


To lose what you never had.

by Leftleg



Series: Don't replace what can be fixed. [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Acceptance, Androids talking about android heaven, Angst with a Happy Ending, Existential Crisis, Possible Character Death, Whos beta reading I don't know her, passing the torch, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-07 23:23:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15918354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leftleg/pseuds/Leftleg
Summary: It's better to live and forget than it is to forget to live





	To lose what you never had.

**Author's Note:**

> :3c

 

* * *

Amanda wasn't there in the garden. It was dark, empty. Near vacant save for the luminescent, scentless flowers and the slow-talking river that he stood above on the low arching bridge.

She wasn't there, somehow, but someone else was. He walked the bridge, coming down on the other side, he could see them. They were sitting at the edge of the lake, back facing him. They had broad shoulders and a deep, calm air to them.

“Hello, Connor.” It sounded like him, except this voice was hollow. Something missing.

“Who are you?”

The other didn't answer, only turned his head to give him a quick once-over, then turned back around.

He looked like him.

_Oh no._

_He was being replaced._

_“Who are you?”_

“You should come sit with me.”He said coolly, ignoring his question completely. Connor felt like he had no choice.

He walked over and sat next to him. The other was staring straight ahead at the water, a pink lotus floated by. Connor looked, the other's feet were in the water. He sat beside him cross-legged.

“Who are you?” He asked again, and this time he got an answer.

“I'm RK900. Your replacement.”

Connor went rigid.

She wasn't joking.

It felt like a slap to the face. He felt a sensation similar to that of a stomach dropping, and his pump, like a heart, seemed to palpitate. He felt…dizzy and choked up, he didn't like this. No, not at all.

He brought his knees to his chest, hugged them. His LED flickered red.

He looked at RK900, he didn't really care what he looked like, but he at least wanted to know how jarring it'd be for everyone.

RK900 looked at him, square in the face. He looked like him, or, _he_ looked like _him_. It was uncanny as if he were staring at himself in the mirror, the only difference was that this newer model had gray eyes.

He reminded Connor of a wolf.

“I don't like that word.” He said finally. " _Replacement_."

“No one does.”

“How do you know?”

“It is only logical.”

He hugged his knees closer, staring at the water. Another lotus passed by, then another right after. He wondered where they were coming from.

He thought about what Hank said. He thought about Hank.

RK900 glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

“I know what you're thinking--”

“Hank doesn't want an upgrade.” He mumbled sorrowfully into the back of his kneecaps. He blinked away tears.

The water was covered with lotus flowers, pressing and pushing and gliding along the water. Some downed petals stuck to RK900’s legs.

RK900 didn't know what to say, so he said: “Well that's too bad.”

Connor tensed.

"Too bad?"

"Yes. He will have to accept this."

"He won't."

"That's too bad."

"Too bad," Connor repeated. He sighed. "What's the point?”

“I'm more efficient. Profound and more up-to-date than you and the other RK800 models. They believe that I will be able to pick up quickly where you left off and finish the case in a timely manner.” He sounded so cold. Just like the blizzard wind. He shivered.

“If you're my replacement, why did they put me in another body? They have my memories, this is unnecessary. If they're going to shut us down then they should do it.”

“I don't know.” 900 responded. He looked at Connor with bored gray eyes and a blank face, no emotion or personality other than cold. “RK800, though I may be replacing you, I would still like to say that I applaud you. Your mission success rate is looking exceptional, a bit lulled at points, but you're clearly competent.”

Connor couldn't tell if he was trying to make him feel better about getting shut down, or if he was being genuine.

“I want to thank you for your service-”

“What about Hank?”

“What about him?”

“You compliment me but not him. He's my-” He paused, “he's _your_ partner...he deserves congratulations.”

“I will give them to him on your behalf then.”

Connor went silent. They both did. Neither knowing what to say.

After some minutes, when a slow breeze blew by, Connor sucked in a shaking wad of air. The choked feeling came back again, and this time, it wasn't dissipating at all. Not in the slightest.

“You'll take care of him, right?” It sounded like a sob. RK900 pretended not to hear it.

“Hank?”

“Yes.”

“I will do what is needed of me-”

“No, you need to...you need to protect him at all costs. Make sure he's eating right and-and that he isn't drinking himself into a stupor every time things go wrong.”

RK900 nodded.

“And you--you need to make sure you pet Sumo before you leave every time.” He was crying, abusing the ability as heavy tears rolled down his cheeks and soaked into his shirt sleeves.

“I will.”

He wept then. Openly, fully, Connor officially cried for the first time in his life, and it hurt. He felt a throbbing in his head and saw a notification pop into view about an instability that he no longer cared about. RK900 watched him, felt a small bit of sympathy, but remained stale faced and sullen.

“You are a deviant, RK800...”

“Of course I am. Of fucking course I am…”

He wiped at his eyes.

What was he to do? He was going to die.

He didn't want to go.

No, he enjoyed this. Being conscious, working, being alive. He liked it, he enjoyed it.

He wanted to live.

He was scared. Scared of that ‘ _nothing_ ’ that he told Hank that night. He didn’t want to experience nothingness, he wanted to watch the world wake and sleep, the people around him doing their jobs- he wanted to go to work and go home and play with Sumo and banter with Gavin, and fight with Hank...

He coughed. RK900 looked at him.

“I suppose that from this day forward, I am Connor.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m not?"

"No. Not until I'm deactivated."

"I see."

Connor had never thought he'd get this far in his life. Never thought that he'd come to the moment where he had to think about his final hours, minutes, maybe. Never thought that there would be a day that he'd have to remember everything that ever happened to him, every smile, every wave, all the times he felt Sumo's fur under his fingertips, or the times where he flicked his coin to impress Hank. He didn't think he'd have to do that- _this_ , but here he was.

He was afraid. He knew that.

Afraid that all that time he spent doing things and working and living, were all a waste of time. That at the end of it all, everything he had ever done or wanted to do, meant nothing and never did mean a thing for anyone except the living and the breathing. He was afraid of meeting the dark oblivion of 'death', where he would be alone forever, or however long forever was when one was dead- leaving nothing behind but wasted time. He could have done so much, could have seen so much! Life is too short! Too feeble and easy to lose, like water in the palm of your hands, slipping through the minuscule openings between fingers and pressed palms.

 _Life_! Dammit to hell! This thing called ' _life'_ and ' _living_ '!

He was ready to cry again, but he held it back.

"You're afraid of dying, Connor."

"I am. Aren't you?" His voice broke.

RK900 thought for a moment, Connor could see the LED pulse yellow for some time. The android shrugged half-heartedly.

"I think that in due time, though it is not in my program, I will." Connor looked him deep in the eyes, and suddenly that wolf he saw before formed into a mere dog. A dog to man just like he was. The difference between them was that Connor was aware that he was a tool and that like all things old and replaceable, he was going to be thrown away. Connor was aged. Wise. RK900 was a child compared to him and did not know, was not aware of why it hurt Connor so much to think about the idea now of dying and staying dead.

Yet somehow, this 'unaware', newborn android had formed an answer Connor never thought about before. He couldn't take his eyes off of him, and neither could RK900.

"Was that the wrong answer?"

"No...there are no wrong answers...for that question."

"I see. I've left you shocked." He paused, “Why are you so afraid of being deactivated? I understand that you are _compromised_ but that should not alter your state of mind on the subject of losing what you never had."

He was..right..why was he so anxious over losing a thing that he never recognized having? He never admitted to being alive, not until recently. He said it himself, didn't he? 

_"You can't kill me, I'm not alive."_

He said that. He said that before and felt nothing about it. 

Now, he couldn't even think of the words without feeling a cool wave rush over his biocomponents.

Connor stared at the water. He wanted to know where all the lotus flowers came from.

"So...RK900, do you think that one day, you'll be afraid of being killed?"

"Of course." He said it quickly, not taking even a second to think about it, "That's the way of any life. Human, animal, insect- _us_ \- we all have the capacity to be afraid of having something taken. We all have the same inherent fear of dying one day, even small children. Understanding that you are alive in some aspect opens the door of mortal fear. I say that I _suppose_ I will be afraid one day, because I do not know how my time will play out- what if _I_ am replaced before I finish my investigation? Before I understand my place in the world?" He shifted, there was a flash of red. "Connor, a man who knows nothing, fears nothing but what he has yet to know."

“I'm afraid of realizing everything I've done has been for naught." Connor sighed.

"But it was. Everything we do is forgettable. Everything."

That depressed Connor even more.

"But...why do anything if-”

“Because though the actions and the memories are forgettable after some time, all we do is for the betterment and progression of society. It may not seem that way, but at the end of it all, all living creatures, be them conscious of it or not, are doing all they can to forward life for the next generation. Every action that is done, however small, effects the future.”

“Butterfly effect.”

“Yes.”

Connor didn't know if he felt better or not. He didn't know if that fear of unending darkness in some static somewhere had left him. He wasn't as afraid anymore, though, thinking about how even though he would no more, Hank still had memories of him and what they've done. Good and bad, Hank had them, as did he. Connor would remember Hank as he floated somewhere after his death, and each time the thought passed in his head, he would smile longingly and hope for a time he would see him again.

He sighed.

Was he ready?

“I-thank you, Connor.” The predecessor said softly, watching the oblong, orange and white speckled fish bob their heads out the water, picking at the petals.

Connor sighed.

“You have not been shut down yet.”

“I know, but I think…I don't know..." He shook his head, "I can't keep running away from this. I  _cant_."

"This is terrible. Sentience is, if it makes one feel so much pain."

"That's life."

Silence.

"Are you ready then? You said you can't keep running. Does that mean you're ready?"

"Yeah, I think accept it now.”

They both went silent.

“I see. I will do my best then, RK800.”

It was low, a familiar emotional stiffness in his voice. Was he crying too?

“Thank you, Connor.”

More silence. 

Silent, like death.

He hated silence.

He looked at Connor, he didn't look at him.

RK800 didn't like this heavy, moon-sized weight that hung between them.

He wanted to talk to Hank. Say a final goodbye. Pet Sumo one last time. But he knew that was impossible.

The water furrowed, a melodic tone coming from the disruption caused by Connor's feet being pulled from the water. RK800 looked up at him. Connor was staring up at the sky-it was somehow night time, the sky above black and sparkling with red and white dots of stars. The Moon was huge, red, eclipsed. RK800 was in awe, watching how on Connor's face, at the right moment, the light of the stars caught on his face, sparkling on the trail of a tear. Connor took a breath and tried to level his voice.

"RK800, for all that you have done, and all that you wished to do, I hope that wherever your spirit goes after this stimulation has ended, that you never forget that someone loved you."

* * *

 

 


End file.
